


Is It Just Me Now?

by WriteyWrite



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Grief, Post battle of camlann, Suicide, arthur lives
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-24
Updated: 2018-10-23
Packaged: 2019-08-06 17:12:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 2,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16391828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WriteyWrite/pseuds/WriteyWrite
Summary: Freya is gone and Merlin is still grieving. Arthur notices something wrong and asks. Merlin has the choice on whether or not to tell Arthur about Freya. What happens when he raises Freya from the dead? This is the first fanfic I ever wrote but I will be rewriting. Please critique and give new ideas (if you want). TW for suicide





	1. Chapter 1

Arthur's POV

Ever since the Last Battle against Mordred, Merlin hasn't been the same. He's not his usual bouncy self. He doesn't talk much and obeys without complaint. Sometimes, it's worse than George which I didn't think was possible. Something is definitely wrong.


	2. Chapter 2

Merlin's POV

Freya's gone and I've managed to hide my grief and bury it with trying to get rid of Morgana but now, there's nothing left but be Arthur's servant and adviser. Yes, magic was allowed back. Now all I do is serve and advise which gets brain numbing and boring. During those times, all I can think about is Freya. I wake up in the night half expecting to see Freya but see emptiness instead. I barely talk and obey orders from Arthur without a word. She still swims in my mind but I can't tell anyone. Never. No one can ever know even if I want them to. This is my problem. This is nothing like my magic.


	3. Chapter 3

Arthur's POV

Often, Merlin comes in to wake me and his eyes are slightly red. He looks like he's been crying. Nowadays, he just mopes and acts all proper and won't joke. I've had to listen to Gwaine all day.

Merlin's POV

Freya. She's always on my mind. As much as I try to focus I can't. I dream about her and wake up expecting her next to me but there are only sheets and emptiness. I can't tell anyone. I just can't. It's almost like my magic before it got unbanned, only this time, no one knows.

Maybe I should just go and visit her lake.


	4. Chapter 4

Arthur's POV

Late this night, I was looking out my window when I saw Merlin heading out towards the woods. He was walking quickly as if he didn't much time to get to his destination. As I was curious about his strange behavior, I followed. He led me to a lake. I stayed behind a tree as I watched him look out on to the lake just looking. Was he acting strange because of a lake? I didn't think he would be this strange because of a lake, so I walked up to him. Only then did I see the tears silently streaming down his face.

"Merlin," I asked, "what's wrong?"  
He jumped at the sound of my voice.  
"Sorry sire. Didn't know you were there." He sounded ashamed almost but why I had no clue.

Merlin's POV

Dang! Should have known the prat would have followed me. I should have covered my tracks with magic. Fool I am!

Arthur's POV

"Merlin, are you alright?" I ask. I'm mostly worried. If he came all the way out here to cry than there is most definitely something wrong but knowing Merlin, he has a reason.  
"Yes, sire. I'm fine." He's lying. I just saw his tears. He's not fine. And he's been been depressed since the Last Battle. Why won't he just trust me?  
"No, your not. Merlin, just trust me. You are my friend and most trusted adviser. Something's wrong. It's written all over your face. Ever since the Last Battle, you've been depressed. You aren't you. Come on. It's starting to bother me and I'm sure the knights can tell."


	5. Chapter 5

Gwaine's POV

Strange. Merlin. He's all mopey, or drunk, now and it's not from being in the tavern. Actually, every time I asked him if he wanted to go to the tavern he declined. So when I had to deliver news to Arthur and met Gwen, I was surprised. She had said that Arthur had just left to follow someone. I left my message with her in case he came back before I was done tracking him and left.

I followed the tracks left by someone, hopefully Arthur, and ended up at a lake. Merlin was there. What the hell was Merlin doing here? With Arthur? I hope he wasn't having a moment with Arthur. I mean with Arthur is just plain weird. Anyway, I was watching but metal armor is kinda hard to hide so of course Arthur spotted me.

"Gwaine! What are you doing here!" he half shouted half whispered, if that's even possible.


	6. Chapter 6

Merlin's POV

"Gwaine! What are you doing here?" Arthur asked. Great. Now Gwaine is here. Just another person to tell. I don't want to tell. Why does Arthur have to be such a prat and go nosing in people's business.

"I was supposed to give you a message but you weren't in your chambers so I left it with Gwen. She told me you followed someone so I followed your tracks."

Great. Just great. I came here to be alone and two people followed me.

"Gwaine, could you maybe uhm give me some time to talk with Merlin?" Arthur asks.

"Sure. I'll let you have your moment."

"GWAINE. Merlin and I are not having a moment!"

Gwaine's POV

I just left those two alone to have their moment but I still listened. I mean, they're my friends and I don't want anything to happen.

Arthur's POV

Gwaine left so I went and sat next to Merlin.

"Merlin, tell me. What's wrong. Have you seen yourself lately, your not being you and often your eyes are red."

"Arthur, I don't want to tell. Why did you even follow me? I came here to be alone but instead two imbeciles followed me."

"Merlin, something's bothering you and I want to know. You can trust me."

"Arthur, not now and maybe never. I just can't. Not with this."  
Well obviously this is not an answer and so of course I pressed on. What I didn't expect was for him to go running into the forest. He is fast when he wants to be. I followed but there were no tracks.


	7. Chapter 7

Third Person

"Gwaine!" Arthur shouted into the trees.

"What? Done with Merlin?"

"No, he ran off, I need you to help me find him."

"Yes, sire."

Merlin's POV

Don't they think I can hear them? The think they're quiet but there shouting like drunk buffoons at a tavern brawl. Well they aren't going to find me up in this tree. Egad, why won't they leave me alone? I came here to be alone but they just had to follow.

Arthur's POV

Why won't Merlin trust us? I mean, he has every right to trust us just like we trust him. Hope Gwaine finds him.

Gwaine's POV

So Merlin and Arthur weren't having a moment but then why would Merlin run away? If they were having a moment, he probably wouldn't run away but if they weren't having a moment, what were the doing? Might as well just help the prat find Merlin. Now I'm curios about Merlin's odd behavior which is odder than he usually is.

I've been searching for about an hour when I hear rustles in the branches above me. I look up and what do you know? It's Merlin! I mark the spot and run to find Arthur. It isn't that hard to find him if you know where to look. I quickly bring him back and point up.


	8. Chapter 8

Arthur's POV

When Gwaine brought me back I thought it would be for something other than Merlin and I was even more surprised when he pointed up.

"Merlin! Get down!" I called up into the tree branches.

"Sorry sire but I'd rather stay here."

"Merlin, come on down, I want to talk."

"Aren't we talking right now?"

"He has a point," said Gwaine.

"Now is not the time for that Gwaine," I scolded.

When I looked up, Merlin was nowhere to be found. I turned around and headed back to the lake. He was there. Just sitting and watching.

"It's very beautiful," I commented.

"Wha- oh. The lake, yeah. I guess."

"Why here, why did you come here?"

"It's where she died and was burned."

"What? Who?"

"Freya," he said as if I should know.

"Who's that?"

"Someone"

"More than that, Merlin."

"A Druid girl."

"Merlin, please. You've been so upset lately."

"You would to if she was your dead lover."

"What? She was your lover?"

"Yes, you foolish prat."

"What happened?"

"She was the Druid girl that came with the bounty hunter."

I vaguely remember the bounty hunter. He came with a girl in tattered red dress but she escaped before the day was up. But I never thought that Merlin would free her.

"She was Freya. She had been cursed by a witch and taken in by the Druids when the bounty hunter came. She would have been killed but I rescued her and hid her in the castle. I loved her but she tried to warn me she was cursed but I didn't listen. She went out every night in the form of a winged cat and killed. That was the curse the witch put on her. One of those nights, she met up with a group of knights and they injured her. She met me back in the tunnels as the cat but didn't attack. She was dying so I took her to this lake and pushed her out in a burning boat when she died."

Oh my gods. This is the girl I hurt. The girl that turned into that great big cat. We cornered her and then only got in a single cut before she flew away. I had no idea.

Merlin's POV

I never meant to tell but once I slipped, every thing came pouring out. Curse my big mouth.


	9. Chapter 9

Merlin's POV

Of course, after that, I felt better. As if a weight had been lifted up off my chest. But, I chose to stay by the water and come back when I felt like it. The prat begged for me to ride with him but I wanted to stay.

Arthur's POV

Merlin wouldn't come back but I knew he would. I had to talk to Gaius. About Merlin.  
At Camelot I talked with Gaius but he never knew of this.

Merlin's POV

I had been looking through the books of magic until I found a spell that raised the dead. I would use it to see Freya and bring her back.


	10. Chapter 10

Arthur's POV

I see Merlin walking back into Camelot later that night with someone with him. I rush outside and see his big goofy smile plastered all over his face.

"Merlin!" I shout.

"She's back!"

Who? Then I see the girl in the red dress. Freya. The girl I killed. The girl who kills. Oh damn. Merlin, what have you done?

"Good for you!" I try to sound cheerful and I think it passes.

Merlin's POV

I was so delighted when the spell worked. I thought I would run into the laws of the Old Religion but as the spell said, it goes right around the Old Religion. She was just as pleased.

Freya's POV

When Merlin raised me out of the lake, I felt something strange. Something I had not felt in a long while. The curse was gone. I felt relief. It was amazing. Of course the dress he had buried me in was gone but was replaced with my red dress which felt so much more comfortable.

Merlin's POV

I went to Gwen to see if she had any old dresses to lend for Freya. Of course she did. She also gave me a few of Morgana's old dresses before Morgana had left to try to kill Arthur and rule Camelot.

I brought Freya to my new chamber that I had gotten after the Last Battle and handed her a few of the dresses and let her change behind the screen. She came out in her night gown and then I got ready and we went to bed.


	11. Chapter 11

Freya's POV

It's only been a few days but every morning I wake up and see blood caked under my nails. Every morning there is some new murder in Camelot. It couldn't be me. It couldn't. The curse is gone now. But when I see the blood I haven't washed out yet, I realize, it is me. The beast still lurks within waiting to consume me.

Merlin's POV

Every morning I hear about a murder and have to talk with the king about it but it couldn't be Freya even though he continually tells me it could be. But the curse is gone now. Why would she kill again? She hated the killing she did so why would she kill?

Arthur's POV

I should have known that Freya would kill. The curse is not gone. How could Merlin be so ignorant? The fool thinks that the curse is gone but it isn't. All the killings were done by a beast. All bites or scratches. No daggers, knives, or swords. All were done by a beast.


	12. Chapter 12

Freya's POV

This night, I will stay awake. I will not let that beast consume me.

Later that night, I feel the beast pushing to get out. I try to resist but the beast is to strong. Like it always was. It pushes out and suddenly, I'm a cat again. The horrible beast that kills. But the transition was painless. And now, I feel it's urge to kill. I'm arguing with it but it wins. It goes out and kills. Just a helpless child wandering at night. How could I? The beast has only gotten stronger. It heads back to Merlin's chambers and change back. This is the painful part. I try to keep my pain in to not wake Merlin and succeed. I sneak out and wash the blood from my hands and go back to bed. Only, I can't.

The cycle repeats for the next couple of nights before the beast demands to be let out during the day. It chooses in the middle of a meeting. I'm with Merlin and the next thing I know, I'm on the ground as the horrible beast. I have to get out of here. I go to the tunnels where Merlin first led me and curl up. I try to change back but the beast wins and I stay in its cat form.

Merlin's POV

When Freya ran off in her cat form, I wanted to follow but of course King Pratness. held me back and demand I stay with the council.

"Don't want you dead just yet," he whispered.

I would get my chance to see her.


	13. Chapter 13

Merlin's POV

I knew Freya would be roaming around at night so I went and looked for her in the courtyard. I brought a sword just incase something happened but I didn't think I would need it.

Freya's POV

I saw Merlin wandering around the courtyard but unfortunately, so did the beast. I begged and pleaded with it but it continued to advance on him. I couldn't stop it. He turns around and sees me.

Merlin's POV

I heard something behind me so I turned and saw Freya. She lunged. In that second, I had a choice, hurt her or have her kill me. I truly only acted in self defense.

Freya's POV

He turned and plunged the sword in to the beasts stomach. All of a sudden, the beast melts away and only I am left. Merlin rushes to my side and cries. He tells me over and over he loves me and how sorry he is and I say the same to him before he kisses me. Long and passionate. His fingers weaving through my hair. I reach up and grab is neck wanting more.

Merlin's POV

Freya and I kiss on the cobblestone of the courtyard before she goes limp in my arms. She is gone. I killed her. My love. My Freya.

I leave and bury her alone by the lake I originally buried her in. Goodbye my Freya.


	14. Chapter 14

Merlin's POV

It's a few nights after her death but I can't sleep. I killed her. I killed my love. I realize I still have the aconite from when I was enchanted by Morgana to kill Arthur. There's not much left but enough to kill a man. I remember Gaius telling me it was one of the deadliest poisons. I drink it. I'm coming my Freya.

Arthur's POV

I wake up and it's almost noon. Where is that lazy servant. Yes, I realize he killed his lover but he should still come to work. I run into his chambers and see him on his bed asleep. I shake him and realize he's dead. He's gone. My trusted adviser is gone. My best friend.

We bring him to the lake where he buried Freya and push him out. We shoot the arrow and lands on his heart. His heart.


End file.
